Follow the Path

My parents got married young.
My mom was 21 and my dad was mere weeks away from 21. He literally could not legally drink at his wedding.
Four years later, I was born.
My parents both did not go to college.
They worked at the type of job you need to support a family. The type of job that you can stay at for years. The type of job that was created in the 50's. Where job security and retirement benefits were not a bonus but actually a requirement.


Two decades later, things are very different.
While I do have a job that offers benefits and optional retirement savings, I don't have a family to support. I don't have job security.
At 23, I am single, living with roommates, and working 45 hours or more a week to simply pay off debt and try to save so that one day I can travel.

I was recently dumped via an email. I just tell myself at least it was more informative than a post-it note.
I had only been dating the dude for about 3 months but in that short time span I had already met his parents and he had met mine. Guess it's just a midwestern thing (especially when the dude lives with his parents, oy!)

From talking to other people as well as watching various forms or media, most people are dumped or have their "heart broken" when they are in middle school or high school.
In those selfish, formative years, it's ok to spend a week moping about and feeling sorry for yourself.

But what happens when you first experience this "heartache" when you are in your early to mid twenties?

In middle school, I didn't date. I knew I was too young.
In high school, I dated two dudes. Both lasted two months. No more than kissing went on. And I was the one to break it off.
In college, I dated two boys, both lasting two months, and me breaking it off.
Then came the infamous EX which lasted one and a half years, and whom I had lived with for most of that time.
Still, I broke it off.

Then came the post-college, post-year long relationship year where I finally "sowed my wild oats."

At the end of this period of fucking around and not caring, I fell for a guy.
I fell hard.
I thought he was gorgeous and that he really liked me.
But after two months, he stopped returning my calls and breaking off dates.
Even though we never officially dated, HE decided to leave ME.

At 22, I had NO IDEA how to take it.
I got mad.
I got sad.
I did a lot of stupid texting and have a couple memories I would rather not have of myself acting very girly as well as rather desperate.
But at 22, no one expects someone to be feeling so called "heartbreak" for the first time. They expect you to know how to get over it and move on. I didn't know how.

Months went by before I got over it.
And I found a new object of affection.
I successfully made it back to his apartment.
Where after two hours of drinking and talking, I was kicked out.
He never contacted me again, and to this day I blame myself for my dismissal. I thought I could just jump back into the casual thing. I thought "no way I could get turned down twice in a row." I thought wrong.

Then I met someone who reminded me of the boys in high school.
A boy I normally would not have approached.
A boy who showered me with affection and in turn made me like him by the sure fact that he liked me.
Even when I had doubts, I trudged on thinking "well at least he likes me."
Then he left me.
He was selfish and I was not selfish enough.

But in the end, I'm happy.
Being single is the greatest thing in the world.
Minus the no sex part.

I forgot how nice it is to have my entire future laid bare in front of me.
Every weekend is mine for the taking.
No calling to see if "we" are doing anything.
All I have to worry about is myself and my cat (who can now sleep with me since no one is in my bed who is allergic to cats.)

I don't have to get a job, get married, have babies, and live in a house in the burbs with a hybrid car.
I don't have to follow my parents footsteps.

So fuck getting into relationships that don't leave me beyond excited and thrilled for life.
Fuck getting involved with someone who makes me limit my freedom and my future plans.

While I know from experience how hard it is to simply have sex without feelings (from myself or mostly, from the guy), I'll try my hardest to keep things casual.
Because as they say, you gotta look out for number one.
And I've never been as excited as I am right now to make over myself and keep myself happy.

Being in a relationship involves letting go of bits and pieces of yourself so that you can allow yourself to be a part of a couple.
I'd rather let my bits and pieces shine.

I usually think "wow, I'm ALREADY 23. What have I got to show for it?"

But I'm not my parents. I'm not already married.

I have to think, "I'm ONLY 23. I have so much more to accomplish."

And while money is an issue, I'm sure that by the time I'm 26, I'll have a little saved up.
And hopefully I'll finally be in Europe.
Meeting cute European boys who will be used for casual sex and little else.

That's the path I want to take.
And now nothing is standing in my way of my plans.