I Do (agree to get drunk)

This past weekend I went to a wedding. A wedding where I did not know the groom at all (as in, not even what he looks like) and I hadn't seen the bride since she was drinking heavily and having sex on the floor at parties. But she went to rehab, went back to school, and apparently got engaged. The situation surrounding my "invitation" was even more ridiculous. It involves a messageboard and a friend from Wisconsin.

But I digress.

This wedding was amazingly beautiful. The location was superb, the food was spectacular, and the drinks were FLOWING FREE!

There is something about weddings that make normal people drink and non-normal people get fall down drunk.

The wedding I attended before this involved so much gin that I woke up and found vomit on the floor as well as my t-shirt. And vomit seemed to be the theme of the following day as well.

But since this one took place on a Sunday, I knew I couldn't drink so much that I would actually rip a contact lens in half trying to take it out (yeah, did that last time too.)

But I also knew that I knew only about 4 people at this wedding and they know I'm crazy, so I was allowed to make a complete fool of myself and run onto the dance floor screaming to dance in the most dramatic fashion possible to Journey's "Faithfully" (yes, it involved spins and a lot of hand gestures.)

But what is it about weddings that make people get hammered?

I've thought of a few ideas why people drink at weddings:

1) You are in love with the bride/groom: Obviously, your love is unrequited and will be until this marriage crashes and burns so what better way to say fuck it than to drink until you think the DJ is Jesus.

2) You are single and depressed: There is nothing like watching someone else be incredible happy with their love and companionship while you are incredibly alone and scrambling for old sex buddies just to make sure you can get some this month. These people a NEED drink.

3) You are an alcoholic: I was told that the reason there was only free wine and beer at this wedding was because there were tons of recovering alcoholics in the crowd and straight liquor would not be a good idea. Well let me tell you, if you triple fist a glass of wine, a glass of champagne, and a beer, not only will you get drunk, you will make all the people at the table uncomfortable. I should know. This was me.

There are plenty more reasons.

From seeing your child getting married to someone you hate to seeing your bro getting married to someone you hate.

But what it comes down to is free booze. Sure you should tip the bartender, but it's a wedding. Someone already threw down thousands of dollars and you just put $50 in the card, which most likely will go to paying off this new debt, aka, the reception. So why not tip on every other drink? And I say this with a server background. Believe me, banquet servers make BANK.

That being said, I've never been one of those young girls to plan out my wedding. On the contrary, I'll be lucky if I ever do get married. I was too busy playing with ninja turtles as a child to think about what my centerpieces will look like (which most people steal anyway, for some odd reason. Like, thanks for the shitty parting gift.)

All I know, is that if I ever do find a guy who I decide I wouldn't mind sleeping with exclusively for the REST OF MY LIFE, I'll be damn sure to have a complete, top shelf open bar.

We may be eating Church's chicken out of tinfoil packages but at least we'll be drinking super classy cocktails.