Hyperactive

Ever since I grew up and actually started actively "dating" here in Chicago (if you call drinking at bars/houses/parks, "dates"), I have noticed many things.

Beyond the obvious, such as all the good ones are taken and almost everyone here is from Michigan and thus knows everyone else, I have discovered something that most men share in common.
It's an epidemic, really.

If you can find a man between the ages of 19 and 35 in this city that does not actively have ADD or ADHD, then I will give you $5 (hey, it's tough times and all that.)


I'm starting to believe that the government put something in the water back in the day because every boy I am meeting has major issues with ADD. And usually, they are not on any pills and believe that marijuana is the answer. And this is why so many 20's year olds are potheads. Obviously.

Or perhaps, video games are to blame. Video games came out right around when these boys were growing up. With that much flashing lights who knows what it did to their heads. I mean shit, Pac-Man is trippy as fuck!

All I know is that when I look back at not only my dating history, but my messing around history, a good 70% of the boys were unfocused potheads. And maybe the others were hiding it. They probably were or I just didn't know them long enough to find out.

And my family wonders why I haven't found a nice boy to settle down with.
And my friends wonder why I would rather use them and lose them.

It's because I end up being a babysitter or turning into my mother when I spend too much time with these schizoids.

But the search will continue.
But I guess maybe I'm a bit ADD.
Since I honestly don't want to settle down.
But I use alcohol, not pot, to help my "illness."

Smarty Pants

There are many wars going on in this country.

Gang warfare.
Drug warfare.
Race warfare.
Class warfare.

Some of these you'll never see, some you will read about, some will affect you once in a while, and some will affect you on a daily basis.

I've witnessed or been subject to these types of war.
But one that I have been brought into more recently is a war of INTELLECT.

When trying to make friends or lovers or boyfriends or whatever, everyone has their lists of wants and needs.
Whether it be their smoking habits, their religion, their dietary patterns. Everyone has quirks.

For me, I've begun to find my own quirk.
Smarts.
Intelligence.
Higher degrees.

I'm not dumb, at least I'd hope not. But I also do not read Voltaire or the Wall Street Journal. I would rather persue a trip around the world than a PhD. I read blogs about culture, not cultural analysis.

This becomes a problem when I meet someone who does the exact opposite of me.

I can't help but feel completely inferior.
Like I am somehow less.
Like I am not as passionate.
Like I am lazy.
Like I am stupid.

Some people will get so under my skin that I'll even attempt to "educate" myself so that I can "compete" in this war of the minds.
I'll attempt to read historical novels and try to keep up with the stock market.
But in the end, I get caught up in living my life instead of feeding my mind and I go back to the same old nights of DVDs and drinking.

But am I less?
Should I believe my instincts?
Who's to say that having a wall full of degrees from expensive institutions is better than of a wall full of pictures and postcards?

Although, that brings up another topic.
The people who seem to do it all.
Smart, adventurous, crafty, thrifty, musical, ect.
People who have all the time in the world and utilize so completely.
Meanwhile I sit at a desk 9 hours a day, spend over an hour commuting, and then waste the rest eating, working out or sleeping. If I find a spare 30 minutes, I sit, watch a DVD before calling it a night.
I worry, am I doing enough? Am I using my time to the fullest? How much am I missing out on?


But in the end I have to sit back and think, would that make me happy?
Or would I just feel like I'm gaining ground in the race of "who is the smartest?"

But hey, a little competition never hurt anyone.
And who knows, maybe while I try out all these crazy new things, I'll actually find something I like.

Or maybe I'll just continue to work, save, and watch all the episodes of the X-Files.
For education purposes of course.

Booty Call

An old friend of mine who I just recently had the pleasure of seeing informed me that her fiancee cheated on her. That night, they broke up, and she will be moving back to her folks out by the time the week is over.

Another friend/past roommate recently broke up with his boyfriend of two years. It was mostly amicable but he still is taking it really hard.

Most people go through phases where either everyone they know is hooked up (including themselves) or where everyone is single (happy about it or otherwise.)

Right now, I'm in single heaven.
I only have one good friend hooked up and it's honestly pretty awesome.

When I was younger, I hated the fact that I was always single. I dreamed of having a boyfriend or hell, just having a kiss.

Once I grew up and realized that I'm not as ugly as I thought, I found out that being single is not about being alone.
Being single is about having at least 4 different men on your roster each weekend.
Being single is about being able to get laid and still flirt with other people.
Being single is about being able to hang out with your friends and not worry that someone out there is missing spending time with you.
Being single is being able to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.

And with a good support system of friends, who needs a relationship?
Especially when so much drama and fighting lead to the inevitable crash and burn.


While I do not doubt that there are healthy relationships out there and people who are meant to be together.
A really good friend of mine that I've known for damn near 10 years is in a loving marriage and I can't imagine her with anyone else.

But for every one healthy relationship, I get to witness friends and acquaintances in tons more awful, unhealthy relationships filled with lying, backstabbing, and childishness.

I can't believe that my parents got married at 21 years old and have been together for over 25 years.
Shit, I know 32 year olds who aren't ready to get married and probably aren't even ready to lease a fucking car. Too much pressure!

So what's the point of relationships when you know that at your age, you can't take the heat. Get out of the kitchen and get into the bar.


While feelings can get involved and fuck things up, it's a ton easier and more fun when you separate feelings of love and feelings of lust.
Sex is not love. A nice body and flexibility does not a relationship make.


So I hope that all my single friends, whether it's by choice or whether due to a break up, realize that they are sexy, smart, and better than wasting time with people whose maturity level is that of someone who can't barely take care of a goldfish, let alone another human being's feelings.

Now if they can take care of a woman's body, use them for that skill and that skill alone.
Then make sure to leave in the morning before they want to cuddle.

Whale Watching

So I had a mini-vacation over the weekend-ish.
Went to bumfuck eastern Indiana to go to a big excuse to buy crafts and antiques and junk called Covered Bridge Festival.
I went with my mom, dad, and their dog, so I knew I needed to get as drunk as possible and get laid the night before I left. I managed to accomplish both of these tasks and was basically hungover on the awfully delayed train ride out there. Then I presumed to walk around in 85 degree heat without shorts. Talk about sweating out alcohol.

I'm not sure why I go to this thing most years.
I always buy two things and two things only.
Vintage and cheap sunglasses and tons of delicious and amazingly bad for me foods.

And seriously, I have a feeling that 90% of the people at this thing are there simply to eat.

And I know this not because there are a good 50+ food vendors, but because 90% of the people at these things are HUGE.
I mean, there's a point where fat becomes obese and where obese becomes FRONT BUTT.

I have never seen so many people in Hoverounds in my life who were not injured in any way and who were under 60 years old.


People so fat that they CAN'T. WALK. Yet somehow, they needed to roll themselves out of their house to get to the feeding fest that is the Parke County Covered Bridge Festival.

I don't know if it's from living in a city for so long where people get around mostly by walking and where healthy, fresh fruit and vegetables are readily accessible at the corner store, but I'm used to seeing normal sized people on a daily basis. And when I do see someone who is a bit heavyset, it's usually such a oddity that I'm like "whoa weird, go for a walk."
And I live in a city known for hot dogs, pizza, and drinking beer. Yet somehow, we keep our shit semi-together with 24 hours gyms.

But on my trip, seeing someone who wasn't wearing pants with an elastic waist was the oddity. Every time I saw a skinny person, I got all excited like "whoa! they must be from somewhere far away too!"

I mean, I'm not one to climb on my high horse too much. I mean, I got some extra pounds. I could work out more, I could stop eating cheetos, and I really should stop drinking my weight in gin three times a week.

But I have a right to stand on a soap box a bit since I'm also not walking around in public eating an entire blooming onion all by myself.

Honestly, with how many food vendors were at this thing, you would think you would have some sort of healthy option.
You see a sign that says "MR. VEGETABLE! ZUCCHINI, BROCCOLI, MUSHROOMS!"
You get very excited.
Then you realize that all of them are dipped in batter and deep fried.
You see a sign that says "BURRITOS!" and you think of veggies, rice, beans, salsa.
Then you realize that it's beef with cheese and sour cream and that chicken will cost you extra.

And anything that can be deep fried, WILL BE DEEP FRIED.
Cheese curds, Oreos, hot dogs.
I know that next year, deep fried cheeseburgers will be the next big thing. I mean, that's only about 8,000 calories.

And honestly. Chicken was impossible to find, let alone something made of soy or falafel or something.
Beef reigns supreme with potatoes and lard or dough coming in right behind.
And don't forget the lemon shakeups!

And the portions!
Plates, bowls, cups filled up so much that sharing should be mandatory.

And this is how these people get this way.
We were in traffic for a good 45 minutes simply trying to park because these people drive everywhere because they live in a place where I could not even get ONE BAR of cell reception.
They eat beef, potatoes, and things that come out of cans. One of the vendors was hawking some sort of "food product" that could be frozen for something like 8 years and never go bad.
Um, should we even be eating that? It'll just taste like a big pile of MSG and salt, I'm sure.
And if we can't freeze it, let's just deep fry it.

I'm glad that I live in a city. I'm glad that I have access to soymilk and the opportunity to ride a bike instead of sitting behind a wheel after sitting behind a desk for 8+ hours.
I will try not let myself forget how lucky I am or of the choices I made to end up here.

Luckily, we decided to come home a day early so I could leave McCain country and spend a rare day off in the city.

So of course I got incredibly wasted the night before my day off and had a sleepover at a dude's house whose name I kept forgetting.

Oh, city life. The country can keep it's beauty and sunsets.
I got asphalt, gin, and two booty calls within 3 blocks of my house.

I Do (agree to get drunk)

This past weekend I went to a wedding. A wedding where I did not know the groom at all (as in, not even what he looks like) and I hadn't seen the bride since she was drinking heavily and having sex on the floor at parties. But she went to rehab, went back to school, and apparently got engaged. The situation surrounding my "invitation" was even more ridiculous. It involves a messageboard and a friend from Wisconsin.

But I digress.

This wedding was amazingly beautiful. The location was superb, the food was spectacular, and the drinks were FLOWING FREE!

There is something about weddings that make normal people drink and non-normal people get fall down drunk.

The wedding I attended before this involved so much gin that I woke up and found vomit on the floor as well as my t-shirt. And vomit seemed to be the theme of the following day as well.

But since this one took place on a Sunday, I knew I couldn't drink so much that I would actually rip a contact lens in half trying to take it out (yeah, did that last time too.)

But I also knew that I knew only about 4 people at this wedding and they know I'm crazy, so I was allowed to make a complete fool of myself and run onto the dance floor screaming to dance in the most dramatic fashion possible to Journey's "Faithfully" (yes, it involved spins and a lot of hand gestures.)

But what is it about weddings that make people get hammered?

I've thought of a few ideas why people drink at weddings:

1) You are in love with the bride/groom: Obviously, your love is unrequited and will be until this marriage crashes and burns so what better way to say fuck it than to drink until you think the DJ is Jesus.

2) You are single and depressed: There is nothing like watching someone else be incredible happy with their love and companionship while you are incredibly alone and scrambling for old sex buddies just to make sure you can get some this month. These people a NEED drink.

3) You are an alcoholic: I was told that the reason there was only free wine and beer at this wedding was because there were tons of recovering alcoholics in the crowd and straight liquor would not be a good idea. Well let me tell you, if you triple fist a glass of wine, a glass of champagne, and a beer, not only will you get drunk, you will make all the people at the table uncomfortable. I should know. This was me.

There are plenty more reasons.

From seeing your child getting married to someone you hate to seeing your bro getting married to someone you hate.

But what it comes down to is free booze. Sure you should tip the bartender, but it's a wedding. Someone already threw down thousands of dollars and you just put $50 in the card, which most likely will go to paying off this new debt, aka, the reception. So why not tip on every other drink? And I say this with a server background. Believe me, banquet servers make BANK.

That being said, I've never been one of those young girls to plan out my wedding. On the contrary, I'll be lucky if I ever do get married. I was too busy playing with ninja turtles as a child to think about what my centerpieces will look like (which most people steal anyway, for some odd reason. Like, thanks for the shitty parting gift.)

All I know, is that if I ever do find a guy who I decide I wouldn't mind sleeping with exclusively for the REST OF MY LIFE, I'll be damn sure to have a complete, top shelf open bar.

We may be eating Church's chicken out of tinfoil packages but at least we'll be drinking super classy cocktails.

Try, Try Again

No matter how much I tell myself I am going to write more, I never get around to it.

Whether it's because I'm working overtime every day (true) or spending my weekends drinking every night (also true), finding time to write for the one or two people who read this has become harder and harder.

Mainly because I wanted to make sure that every post addressed a certain issue and was not just a bunch of pictures or videos of shit I like, and instead, actual words, thoughts, and perhaps ideas.
Not to say there is anything wrong with blogs of that like. In fact, I probably read too many that involve pictures as the main focus (Street Boners, how I love thee)


But perhaps the only way to guarantee more posts and still a fair amount of "intellect" (ha, like I have any of that) would be to post shorter posts on something new and interesting each day. Something I read in the news, hear from a friend, or that came to me randomly during the hours I spend doing data entry at work (one can only sing the same song in one's head so many times.)

so even though I am going on a mini-vacation later this weekend and thus won't be able to update for a good 4 days, hopefully if I start today, I can get myself hooked on a habit of remembering to write once in a while.

So today's topic is last night's debate.

True to my new form, I will not go on for pages with many spaces about it.
I'll just say this.

McCain said "my friends" NINETEEN TIMES.
That woman who was "skeptical" of the government was super fucking nervous and almost lost her shit on television.
I watched this in a laundromat and let me tell you, sometimes I would have rather watched my clothes spin.


Honestly, I am beyond ready for this circus to come to a close. I have my voter card, I know where my polling location is, and I'm ready for it to be Nov. 5th already.
Whether it's hearing some hipsters high five each other over their new Obama spoke cards or it's some email sent from an aunt in Tennessee who thinks that Obama is a muslim terrorist. I'm sick of it.
At this point, both men are playing a part. They are saying whatever they need to say to win.

And I'll go out and say it.
I'm not voting for McCain because he is 72 years old and the idea of Sarah Palin becoming the president scares me more than higher taxes under an Obama administration.

But if I start going off about that silly goose, I'll have to start a new entry.
Anyone who says "darn right" and winks soon after cannot be trusted.
I cannot stress this enough.

But seriously, vote.
Whether it be McCain, Obama, or a third party write-in, it's free and something that people in other countries can't do (well, other third world countries besides Iraq and some others.)

Just remember this, if you forgot to wear that condom or take that pill, you better hope that Obama is in office.
Or else you got yourself a little bundle of joy on your hands.