A Return to Insanity

I have always hated the phrase "these are the best years of our lives." High school was not a barrel of fun and college turned into a 2nd job.
I told myself that the best years were yet to come. When homework was not required and one could legally drink.

I'm 24 now and rethinking my opinions.

Let's back up, since it's been a while.

My last entry seemed to be a phrophetic post.
Because soon after I decided to move out from the boys and find a subletter.
Yes, the second highest stressor behind a death in the family. (look it up, moving is 2nd behind death.)

Wasn't sure where I would live, until the boyfriend offered his room. He still has a roommate so things have been tight and slow going in terms of organization.

The subletter search took a month longer than expected, and a month's worth of rent out of my pocket.

It was also around this time when a bunch of my friends decided to move.
4 different people, moving to 4 different states.
This after 2 had moved in the previous year.

The time devoted to basically being a realtor took away time for me to go out.



My job began to show it's ugly, mindless, boring, waste of life head.

I eventually found a therapist. And my insurance decided to cover only half. Great, thanks.

It's been a good 3 months since then.
Life is pretty much the same.

Imagine trying to make friends at 24. There's no classroom to pass notes in. There's no dorm hallway to share war stories. It's worse than finding a date. Do I have to resort to bars and the internet?

I honestly have no idea how therapy is supposed to work. Ok I get it, I talk a bunch, she listens. Then what? So far I'm just paying someone $50 a week to listen to me. Makes me feel a tad more pathetic, if that was possible.

I guess the hardest thing, is having a job in a recession. I get paid, I can afford to eat well. But do I like this job? No. Can I find another one right now? No.

I have no passion to go back to school, I hate what my current degree is in, and I have no idea what I would ever want to do for work that I wouldn't end up hating within 2 years.

So back to my point, the best days of our lives.
Now instead of school, I waste 9 hours a day at a job I don't see myself at in 2 years.
Instead of having a small group of friends, I'm down to a few individuals and most of them don't even live in the same state as me, let alone the same city.
The dreams and hopes of the youth? Gone when the real world of errands and ageing hit you.

Stuck in a rut is a poor phrase for where I'm at.
Doomed seems more like it.

The worst part is, I know I'm lucky. I should be grateful for what I have.
Yet still I know my parents would be more proud of me if I had a better job. If I owned something besides bicycles and DVDs.
Still I wish I had friends to go to brunch with or go to the movies with besides just my boyfriend.
Still I demand a more sculpted and healthy body.
Still I yearn for a career that I not only enjoy, but would be prosperous in.

I know what people will tell me.
I've heard it all before.

But if the wall is red, and you continue to tell me it's green, I still will know it's red.