AFK

Some personal shit just popped up that will probably have me away from the blog for a few days or a few weeks.

So in the meantime:



Be back soon!

The Real World: Chicago

Roommates are weird.
They aren't family, they usually aren't close friends, yet you live with these people.
You share the same bathroom, you dance around in the kitchen when cooking, they have probably seen you in various stages of undress.

But soon, they become family.
Like family, you don't really want to hang out with them too much outside the house, but you trust them with your valuables and you hope they would treat you with respect.

I currently live with two dudes.
Which is a bit like Three's Company but the opposite genders.
Much like the show, and much like the Real World, all kinds of crazy goofy, off the wall, only made for TV kinda shit goes down.



There have been screaming matches at 3am.
There have been cups thrown against the ground.
There have been all night drinkathons while watching The Office.

But like family, secret hatred and fighting always comes around.
Currently, I'm mad at both roommates.

Roommate #1 has been locking my cat in his room and complaining about the SMELL even though I have changed cat litter and cat food and own not one but TWO air fresheners (while cleaning the box every other, if not, every day.)
Now my room is a hot box and my cat is a prisoner. All because my roommate has the snoz of a drug-sniffing dog.

Roommate #2 leaves his beer bottles, boxes and god knows what else his drunk ass can leave all over the house. He also uses my drinking cups and then breaks them. I have 4 plastic cups that survived, but my glasses are down to a measly three. Did I mention he's a drunk.

While I miss the days of living alone, walking around in my underwear, letting the title screen to Scrubs play forever on my TV, and of course, talking to my cat, I guess there are upsides to having roommates.

1) Rent is cheap as SHIT.
2) When you need to bitch, someone is there to pretend to listen.
3) Did I mention cheap rent?

Honestly, I love living alone. But I couldn't get a place this size for this price in this location without them.

So while they make me want to find a subletter (which has to be a task given to those in the 5th ring of hell), I'll stay.
I mean shit, my lease ends March 31st, 2010.
That's not so far, is it?

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

As noted previously, I'm not huge on censorship. But sometimes I feel like a time and place does exist for some self-censorship.

Normally, I am usually a tad long hair don't care about the media and it's influences (since I don't own a radio and watch TV maybe once every two weeks.)
But as someone who has struggled with self-image for a very long time, I can't help but give some major props to Jezebel for showing how both men and women in the media are continously giving girls around the world a reason to hate their bodies and the choices they make.



First, Jezebel attacks an Askmen.com article entitled "Subtle Ways To Tell Her She's Fat." The title alones exudes asshole-ry.

Then, Jezebel lambasts Gwyneth Paltrow's foray into web-advice, her "GOOP" newsletters where Ms. Paltrow tells girls that after having fun (may it be a weekend of beer and pizza or cake and ice cream), you should definitely detox the hell out of yourself.

As for the Askmen.com article, I'm at a lost for words.
Even as a joke, I'm offended. Because while 5 people will get the joke, 25 people will not. That includes women and men.

And as for Ms. Paltrow, unfortunately, I tend to follow her advice. After a weekend of booze or fast food, I try to balance it out by cutting out my food and working out as much as I can (obviously until the next weekend.)

But then I end up not enjoying myself when I should be enjoying myself.
I mean, I don't plan on letting myself eat elephant ears 5 times a week, but once every 5 months? Why not?

I've been trying to teach myself that it's ok to sometimes "fall off the wagon."
When in reality, we aren't on a wagon. We are just walking alongside and sometimes we are going uphill, and sometimes we are going down, but in the end, we are still just walking.

So thanks media for trying to derail my own mind and put it back in a self-destructive mode.

But thank you Jezebel for helping me out and telling me it's ok to not listen.

This Time, It's Serious

Even though I have used the phrase before, I know that I don't agree with it.
The phrase has variations but it basically comes down to "it's the internet, it's not serious."

It's a huge cop out for anyone that did something or said something mean or rude or what have you and doesn't want to own up to it.
Somebody called you fat? get over it, it's the internet.
Somebody made fun of your livejournal? c'mon, it's the internet.

It's a weird thing to me. And it doesn't happen in any other medium of social interaction.
Nobody said "oh c'mon, that was just a letter I wrote you, it's not serious."
And I've never head anybody say, "Get over it, I only said it on the phone."

The internet IS serious.
It's a serious source of revenue. Whether it be Amazon or Ebay or the millions of dollars spent in advertising.
It's one of, if not THE BEST place, that delivers news (usually, the first to do so, I'm looking at you twitter.)
And finally, people meet, fall in love, and get married on the internet. I mean shit, that's a legal contract between two people that would not have been signed if not for THE INTERNET.

And words can hurt no matter how they reach an audience.
Girls join pro-ana websites and learn how to develop an eating disorder.
Godhatesfags.com is a real fucking website.

Why people continue to attack others for no good reason when in real life they are probably listening to the Jonas Brothers and still wearing Hello Kitty pajamas is a question I will never have an answer for.
Can you say split personality?
I guess as long as people can hide behind a screen and hope no one can access their IP address, they will continue to be jackasses.

So keep on leaving nasty comments on online articles and keep openly mocking someone's flickr.
Just don't say that it's not important.
Don't say that it's not something serious.
When a girl commits suicide because of what someone said on her myspace, we know that the internet is life and death.

Here Comes the Rain Again

I find it very hard to not compare myself to others constantly.
I wonder if anyone compares themselves to me and thinks how lucky I am?
I honestly cannot see this happening.



It's not a good trait.
The minute I see someone thinner than me, I get mad and jealous and think it's unfair.
The same thing happens when I see someone who has a better job with more benefits or has more pictures on facebook of them smiling with friends or whatever the case may be.

This causes me to regret a lot.
Even though I'm secretly proud of myself for working since I was old enough to (sometimes two jobs at once while attending school) and thus being able to say that I'm debt free, it comes at a steep price.
High school was just my day job until my night and weekend job.
College was nothing more than a second full time job to match my first one.

I rarely partied.
I rarely drank until I was 21.
I rarely had time for clubs or extracurricular activities and the ones I did were mainly to look good on some piece of paper.
I didn't make friends.
I didn't go to keggars.
I worked, I read, I ate, I slept.



Now I find myself out of school, without that rewarding job and without that group of friends one finds in college.
I attempted to get into a few different circles but in the end, they leave and move on and I'm alone again.

I try to tell myself that anyone who says that their school years are the best years of their life is full of shit and obviously they will be missing out another 50 or 60 years of good, great or even better times.

But I also believe that youth is wasted on the young and I let my prime years pass by.
Now I'm stuck being responsible and only more duties will pile up as the years pass.

I know I have to make a change, but it's tough when routine runs your life and without a job, you are scrambling. After the work is over, the errands are ran, and the cooking, cleaning and working out is done, the only time left is sleep.
The best I can do is look at old pictures and try to see that I did have a few happy times.

Yet I can't help but feel that they are few and far between.

Not Seen and Not Heard

I was taught by my dad to stand for principles that I believe in.
Yet if I followed his teachings I would be arguing with telemarketers on the phone, but I digress.

My father taught me to be anti-censorship. Why should the government tell me what I can and can't see and hear?
But as I've grown, I've realized that sometimes, things need to be censored for certain people.

When I was 7, I caught an episode of Law and Order dealing with rape that was quite graphic and I couldn't sleep that night.
At 20 years old, I censored MYSELF and refused to watch the video of the American soldier being beheaded by terrorists, knowing that perhaps, I wouldn't catch an z's again.

So perhaps it's for the best that we aren't allowed to see "R" rated movies when we are still watching saturday morning cartoons.
Perhaps it's a good thing that 8 years olds can't buy Penthouse magazine.



But I still don't agree that the government should be the one to do this.
I have a mother and father, I don't need a "big brother" as the case may be (I like being the oldest, thank you.)

The reason I didn't see R rated movies as a kid was because I wasn't allowed to. My parents wouldn't let me go out late with friends past curfew. They had supreme control over the remote and we never had HBO.

This is why I'm afraid to have kids. Once you have them, your life doesn't matter. All your time and all of your efforts are now for this being you created.
You want to go to the bar and get wasted? Sorry, junior needs his diaper changed at 1am.

Which is why I don't understand most parents. They think their child is like a dog. You can just drag them around, throw them a treat every so often, and they will still wag their tail, smiling and drooling.
KIDS ARE NOT PETS!
Take care of them, protect them.

Recently, the boy and I were at a local bar/grill that is known for it's LOUD metal, naked pictures on the wall, as well as delicious food and beer that results in LONG wait times due to the small space and high demand.
This place is Kuma's Corner. Which is a landmark to Chicagoans and out of towners alike.

We were lucky enough to grab bar seats without a wait. Which is good except that all the people waiting for a table are constantly talking over your shoulder to get a beer.
So I run to the bathroom real quick and when I come back a woman is basically standing on my chair talking to the bartender about something and the woman is not happy.
When she finally leaves, I ask my boyfriend what happened.
Apparently this woman was outside waiting for a table and she was there with a SMALL CHILD.
The wait was a bit long (it's usually an hour or more) and the woman wanted a to-go order.
One of Kuma's rules is "no to-go orders when patio is open" and obviously, it's July and the patio is open.
Well the woman is all "well my kid is hungry, do you have anything she/he/it can eat?"
So the bartender then scrounges up some oyster crackers.

There are SO many things wrong with this whole scenario.

1)You are going to a place that is NOTORIOUS for not only good food but for LONG WAITS. What did you expect?
2) This place of business also features LOUD, EXPLICIT MUSIC and nudity.
3) Your kid is gonna get hungry at some point. HAVE YOU HEARD OF CHEERIOS AND TUPPERWARE?!

I'm not gonna go over there and censor or take care of your kid.
But damn, I even remember snacks for my cat and I don't even take him out to places.

So go ahead and let your kid watch Girls Gone Wild.
Perhaps they will be able to sleep at night.

Just Addicted

I remember when we got the internet.
I was in 6th grade.
It was dial up, and it was AOL 2.0 or something.
I just remember AOL 3.0 coming out soon thereafter and my friend and I thought it was THE SHIT.

I remember my first screenname/email address.
RaeMars5.
It was a Sailor Moon reference.
Yes, I was a dork.

I LOVED the internet (shit, I still do.)
I would spend HOURS on it, holding up the phone line, and running up a HUGE bill.
I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. In 1996 there was only about 6 fucking websites and 5 of them were probably porn.



(no that picture isn't me, do you think I'm 45?)

I would waste hours in chatrooms.
I would lie about my age. I would lie about my name.
I was 17/F and my name was Lydia.
None of that was true in 1996. And it's not true now either.
A friend and I would create angelfire pages for EVERYTHING.
We made them for boybands.
We made them for ourselves.
We made them for our cats.
I remember before mp3s even existed and I would download MIDIs.
I had a folder FULL of MIDIs.
To this day I wish I still had them. They would definitely be good for some lulz.
I remember waiting 17 minutes for a 30 second clip to load and the quality of the video was FUCKING AWFUL but it was still better than TV.
I participated in a role playing chatroom piece of lameness where not only did I pretend I was a vampire, but I pretended I was a MALE vampire.

But what takes the cake is the one day I somehow spend 17 hours straight on the internet.
No youtube, no hulu, no illegal mp3s, and no porn (IT WAS A FAMILY COMPUTER.)
But there I sat, in the kitchen, only getting up for meals and the bathroom, doing god knows what on A-O-FUCKING-L.

It is simultaneously my proudest and the lowest moment of my life.
Now if only I could find a few of these laying around.
They make excellent coasters.

Just Cool Enough

I'm not sure if it's because I'm just that cool and ahead of everyone or if popular culture is just slowly becoming more and more nerdy and lame, but I have found that if I have liked something since I was a kid, sooner or later, it will become a pop culture phenomenon.

EXAMPLE ONE:
MEN'S CLOTHES

I am a total daddy's girl. But not in the fact that I beg him for things like Cher from "Clueless." I'm more of a "I want to be like daddy" girl. Dad's fishing? I'm fishing too. Dad's going on the scariest roller coaster? I'm riding too. Daddy wear flannel? I'm wearing it too.
Once middle school hit, I searched his closet and wore his old ruffley pink and blue and yellow prom shirts and old work ties to school (yes I was NOT POPULAR, how did you know?)
A few years go by, I'm still dressing like an idiot and I'm in high school when all of a sudden I turn on MTV and WHY HELLO THERE!

Why if it isn't a teen pop rocker wearing my dad's tie!

Now I'm not only dressing like a fool, I'm also being a COPYCAT!
I soon there after stopping wearing menswear and by senior year, I actually bought girl jeans. Oh, the horror of high school.

EXAMPLE 2:
THE 80s

I don't know if it's because I watched a ton of television and movies as a child but I grew up thinking that life was supposed to be like Family Ties. I thought that my babysitter would take me on a crazy adventure through Chicago. I thought I was supposed to wear a power suit at my office job. I thought that everyone danced 2 feet apart, kicking their feet all over and swinging from side to side. I thought I was supposed to have a side ponytail.

To say I loved everything the 80's is an understatemnt.
One of my first CDs was Wang Chung's greatest hits.
I watched Perfect Strangers at dinner every night and got pissy when it was Night Court instead.
I was an "80's rocker" for Halloween when I was too young to understand why someone thought I was a "prostitute."

So of course, once I could start picking out my own clothes, I grabbed the legwarmers and leggings and the neon everything. I even wore shoulder pads.
I bought everything Duran Duran every recorded and even a poster.
I got an asymmetric haircut.

Then, just about the time I graduated from high school, I noticed that suddenly, popular culture was adopting synthesizers again.
what? ok, yeah I could get used to that.
Then, the runways were getting weirder. Legwarmers were back.
What? um...ok I guess so.
Then, this kinda shit started popping up.



ok not cool.
My beloved 80's was being destroyed.
And to this day I am pissed that Hollywood continues to remake every 80's movie ever (WHY FOOTLOOSE?!) and Kanye attempts to sample another new wave beat. And the fashion! either go all 80's or go home I say.

But nothing gets me more riled up than...

EXAMPLE 3:
VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES

As long as I've been able to read, I've loved horror novels. I still love them (RIP RICHARD LAYMON) and I have a few favorite authors who I will read anything they churn out.
But hands down my favorite authors write mainly about vampires and werewolves and a whole range of characters that follow that line.
A few favorites include Jemiah Jefferson, Laurell K. Hamilton, and my all time favorite, Poppy Z. Brite.
All are adult authors with adult writing and themes.
And I love them.
As I grew I saw movies and read more, including real life stories of people who think they are or want to be vampires.
I even got a tattoo of a full moon on my neck because, yes, I'm that into the lore and intrigue.

Now, out of nowhere I am bombarded by girls who claim to LOVE VAMPIRES!
And now werewolves too!
First came the Nightworld movies which I had hoped so much for and had let me down quite a bit.
Then came True Blood which I've never seen due to not having cable, but I know the book series.
Then came the worst of them all.


Twilight.
With it's abstinence preaching and it's vampires who GLITTER IN THE SUN BUT DON'T DIE (NOOOO WTF).
I even saw the movie and I plan to read the book so that I can actually be like "well I tried it and I don't like it."
But dammit.
These creatures were mine and now every fan girl on earth is creaming over some dude who ISN'T EVEN HOT AND WON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

Oh well.
Why fight it?
At least I know that this too shall pass and I'll be the only one at age 45 that is raiding my dad's closet for some vintage 80's tees while watching Interview with the Vampire.

Silent Movie

In this melting pot of a country, with it's "there's no I in team" mentality, there seems to be a stigma against people being alone.

It could be something as simple as going to a concert alone. Everyone seems to be looking at you feeling sorry for you or thinking "what a weirdo."
Or it could be growing old, not marrying, and living with 10 cats. The term "spinster" definitely does not have a positive connotation.

One thing that I have no shame in doing alone is going to the movies.



Obviously as a younger, impressionable teen, I would go with 2, 3, 10 friends and take up a whole row and be too loud.
But I hated that.

There are many pleasures in going to the movies alone, here are a few:

-No being late because your friend/lover is not on time.
-Being able to eat an entire bag of popcorn and soda yourself.
-You get to sit anywhere and easily take up three seats and have the arm rests all to yourself.
-If it's sad, you can cry in peace. If it's funny, you can laugh as loud as you want. If it's scary, you can act like a pussy.
-most importantly: NOBODY TALKING TO YOU!

I've gone to the movies with people who somehow think that once the lights go off, they are at open mic night at the apollo and it's time for them to tell me all about their day.
NO.
I paid $10 (ok $4 at the cheap theater) to see this crappy piece of shit, so SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME 'ENJOY' IT!

I've never understood dates at movies. Especially first dates.
Like ok, hi, we've just met, let's sit two inches from each other for 2 hours without looking at each other or talking to each other and let's have it be as awkward as possible.
But hey, to each his own (weirdasses.)

As for me, I'll continue to hit up the theater alone.
Judge me all you want (yes I do have a cat) but at least I don't have to share my jujubees!