Thankful

One of the biggest problems I face is not living in the moment.

I have been told to actually look at the clock, say the date and time aloud and to not think in any sort of future terms, I will, I have to, I was going to, etc.

Yes, it feels as silly to do that as it sounds.

There are times when I am in the moment.
For example, on the way into work today, I thought the sky looked really pretty as dawn was just approaching and the sun was bouncing off the buildings beautifully.
Yet my problem is, once I'm in the moment, I'm very much aware that am I, and my thoughts immediately turn to "crap, this moment is about to end and I'm going to have to go in that building and sit at that desk for 9 hours." I'm painfully aware that fun and good times have an expiration date. Yet work, errands, the monotony of boring shit that is life - this stuff seems to last forever with no end in sight.

The majority of my waking hours have been work or errands since I was a child (yes, school is work), making it quiet hard to focus and appreciate the good times as they seem few and far between on any regular week day. Three hours of dinner and a movie once a week easily gets swept under the rug when 45 hours of work loom on the horizon.



Sometimes though, the cosmos, the world, the "great force", whatever you may take it as, forces you to look at the small things, the short times, the everyday parts of your life. It throws in your face the fact that YOU ARE MORTAL. Time is not guaranteed. And you better appreciate what you have.

And I'm trying.
Yesterday, news came to me from various outlets.
A women, nearly my age, was killed in a freak accident while she was simply riding her bike.
Reports are sketchy, but somehow a truck ran over her, taking away her life almost instantly.

This is the kind of random thing that could happen to me or a loved one. I ride my bicycle every day, as do many of my friends as well as my boyfriend.
We wear helmets, but some things can just happen, some accidents can not be protected by a piece of plastic and foam.

As usual, I urge all cyclists to take every precaution they can. Follow traffic signals, wear helmets, use headlights and rearlights, signal turns with your arms, and take caution. I also urge all drivers to do the same, follow signals, watch your speed, be wary of distractions such as phones and food, be aware of your surroundings.

Life is short. I'm extremely lucky. I've been in some serious accidents and not only am I alive, I can walk and continue my life as normal. I'm lucky enough to still have all my friends on their bikes, wearing their helmets, alive and well.

I never met the woman who was killed yesterday, but where ever she is now, I hope she realizes that she did not die in vain.
Even if it's just for a day, or a few hours, I'm trying to better appreciate my life and live in these moments.
While I may not be telling myself aloud what the date and time is, i'm still trying.

I've Got Sunshine

My brain moves incredibly fast. A conversation with me is like an all-star tennis match that might turn into a soccer game right in the middle.
My mind doesn't have a straight path, it's more of a winding road with several side streets.

I think too much.
When I have the time, when I'm not busy doing something else, my brain goes 120mph.
The thoughts always turn negative.
Why am I not doing this? Why did I eat so much? Why don't I work out more? Why don't I have a solid career? Why am I not outside?
Why do I not appreciate anything?

But I'm realizing that ya know what?
I'm really lucky.



And sometimes, I just need to write down, say outloud, do something to remind myself of how lucky I am.
Remind myself of the fun I've had.
Remind myself of the love given to me.

Quick recap of my weekend. Simple days full of fun and love.

Friday - dinner with the boy, drinks with his friend, karaoke with too much booze.
Saturday - brunch and a movie with the boy, a headache stopped me from going out but the boy was most understanding.
Sunday - farmers market and homemade lunch with the boy, followed by fun at the corn maze with 4 other couples, finished with beer and snacks at Rocking Horse.
Monday - day off with shopping, knitting, working out, ending with a 6 course beer dinner with the boy that was probably one of the best meals I've ever eaten.

Yet I sat and felt bad.
Felt bad that I ate an entire oven pizza on Saturday.
Upset that I sat inside and knit instead of riding around when the weather was hitting 60 on Monday.

Why do I do this to myself? Only think of the negative?
I must remind myself to find something good in every day.
Even those days where I just work, come home, work out, eat and sleep. There will always be something good.
Perhaps I got a funny email.
Or my boyfriend made me dinner.
Or the trees looked pretty on the way home.

I must find and remember this good things. Because I've had enough regrets, and it's about time I remember the past as a good thing.

A Return to Insanity

I have always hated the phrase "these are the best years of our lives." High school was not a barrel of fun and college turned into a 2nd job.
I told myself that the best years were yet to come. When homework was not required and one could legally drink.

I'm 24 now and rethinking my opinions.

Let's back up, since it's been a while.

My last entry seemed to be a phrophetic post.
Because soon after I decided to move out from the boys and find a subletter.
Yes, the second highest stressor behind a death in the family. (look it up, moving is 2nd behind death.)

Wasn't sure where I would live, until the boyfriend offered his room. He still has a roommate so things have been tight and slow going in terms of organization.

The subletter search took a month longer than expected, and a month's worth of rent out of my pocket.

It was also around this time when a bunch of my friends decided to move.
4 different people, moving to 4 different states.
This after 2 had moved in the previous year.

The time devoted to basically being a realtor took away time for me to go out.



My job began to show it's ugly, mindless, boring, waste of life head.

I eventually found a therapist. And my insurance decided to cover only half. Great, thanks.

It's been a good 3 months since then.
Life is pretty much the same.

Imagine trying to make friends at 24. There's no classroom to pass notes in. There's no dorm hallway to share war stories. It's worse than finding a date. Do I have to resort to bars and the internet?

I honestly have no idea how therapy is supposed to work. Ok I get it, I talk a bunch, she listens. Then what? So far I'm just paying someone $50 a week to listen to me. Makes me feel a tad more pathetic, if that was possible.

I guess the hardest thing, is having a job in a recession. I get paid, I can afford to eat well. But do I like this job? No. Can I find another one right now? No.

I have no passion to go back to school, I hate what my current degree is in, and I have no idea what I would ever want to do for work that I wouldn't end up hating within 2 years.

So back to my point, the best days of our lives.
Now instead of school, I waste 9 hours a day at a job I don't see myself at in 2 years.
Instead of having a small group of friends, I'm down to a few individuals and most of them don't even live in the same state as me, let alone the same city.
The dreams and hopes of the youth? Gone when the real world of errands and ageing hit you.

Stuck in a rut is a poor phrase for where I'm at.
Doomed seems more like it.

The worst part is, I know I'm lucky. I should be grateful for what I have.
Yet still I know my parents would be more proud of me if I had a better job. If I owned something besides bicycles and DVDs.
Still I wish I had friends to go to brunch with or go to the movies with besides just my boyfriend.
Still I demand a more sculpted and healthy body.
Still I yearn for a career that I not only enjoy, but would be prosperous in.

I know what people will tell me.
I've heard it all before.

But if the wall is red, and you continue to tell me it's green, I still will know it's red.